Surfacing a little

Just suck up and move on, trying each day to find something to lift the spirits,refuse to give in,make new plans and realise it ll never be as I,we and us planned (his accident changed our lives forever).Life will be a struggle at times,Im stuck in it,the changes to permanency within the Government system could mean Im in a worse position later on,be thankful.
Enough craft supplies to do me for years,two years at least of study left,for which I doubt Ill get a job with,but the pride with it will outweigh that,a  husband who thinks Ive failed his ideal,I wont work in the shop with him,go camping,and the list goes on.
I have to stick study to finish,look after job at $50 grand a year Im not throwing it away,my dream of upsizing to a bigger bike I wont let go,even if we wont get to travel  as originally planned,at least I can live a little.Those trips will be smaller and contained to those to the coast on hard roads not the rich red of the outback I miss so much. The people who made life hard at work a while back Ive risen above,even when Hubby(who appears to like them) takes a crack for me not acknowledging them(I didnt see them and thats the truth) while out grocery shopping last weekend.. Im learning to take each day at a time,even when I fall a bit harder than usual,I can claw my way back up.
The birds singing in the morning or late afternoon are a joy,the color of new flowers brilliant,it will still hurt to be the silent worker,ignored by staff ,eg.lock down practice, I wasn't informed of procedure despite my position highly likely to allow first contact,the comment thown at me that "Im still alive"? that wasnt funny.Not informed of changes,  not good especially working often alone.So now when I see students smoking, using their phones or even collecting their frowned on, hot chips from the back car park at lunch time, unseen by staff,I dont see them,as our last PD said,if you dont do anything or get involved you wont accept liability. If Im not part of the team well they can manage it.It will still hurt when I say "NO" Hubby will ignore me,when he asks for ideas  and pulls them to pieces cause I "wont back them up"? and the stuff goes on.
I know Ill fall a again,that Ill cry into the silent world I try to get lost in,but know I refuse to give in,voicing it here harms nothing,it wont affect my life but will allow a little of the pain to drift away so now I pick my way up,bit at a time,a little more bitter perhaps but also a little more stronger.
All nice things come to those who wait,the Fiery Bottle brush a shy flower has finally doe so at least 8 years after I planted it.hoping it will be like that with my life