Summer on its way

Its gotten quite warm today,the winds up a little but hope its stays mild,I dread the extra work on Monday,blowing the grounds is a big job and both arms are now as bad as the other,hoping assistant will turn up.He leaving soon ...The carpet roses will like this bit of heat and hope gain they look like taking off.
Son 3 graduates Monday evening,cant believe how time has flown,hes off for Fitness training in Perth after Christmas,mean while hes getting as much fun time stuff in before he signs away his life for 6 years
So tired today,stayed up late polishing essay,when its loged I ll post a bit of ite here,after having Smark thinking look at Im decided my essay writing has reached its peak and hope I can scrape through test and next year the last two units before creating a body of work
Looking forward to the drawing unit but a bit scared at the type of work.I have to put some dollars on Writecheck later to submit essay (to check for plagiarisms)and then taking plunge and tossing it into dropbox,then its a mad dash to catch up on three weeks of readings and extras for online testing a fortnight,essay dropped at beginning of week 10 and test starts at beginning week 12 . My main concern with this essay is that I should put a bit of paraphrasing in,never having used it before, Im skeptical there shouldbe ,theres one or two intext citations per paragraph which I think are good,I m hoping
get around 67 to 70%
Have to take Bunnies in for their vaccinations on Tuesday,Blaze(Mz Bunny) is settling in well and keeping Fluffa Bunny company,I hope its a natural thing as she has a small lump on her tummy near a teat,so will get vet to check and organize a desex which should pull up any cancer problems they can fall prey to. Currently they are camped out on the verandah out of the wind in a coolish spot. With graduation on Monday night Im taking Tuesday off not only o get over late night but also to do vet run. Hubby roasted coffee last night at shop and he came home very late stinking of the burnt coffee smell,broke my sleep and he must have brought a bit of dust home with him as Im heavy chested today
A bit of brightness,I pray for the day Hubby cleans his mess up in the yard and garden so we can have the garden up looking good again

Surfacing a little

Just suck up and move on, trying each day to find something to lift the spirits,refuse to give in,make new plans and realise it ll never be as I,we and us planned (his accident changed our lives forever).Life will be a struggle at times,Im stuck in it,the changes to permanency within the Government system could mean Im in a worse position later on,be thankful.
Enough craft supplies to do me for years,two years at least of study left,for which I doubt Ill get a job with,but the pride with it will outweigh that,a  husband who thinks Ive failed his ideal,I wont work in the shop with him,go camping,and the list goes on.
I have to stick study to finish,look after job at $50 grand a year Im not throwing it away,my dream of upsizing to a bigger bike I wont let go,even if we wont get to travel  as originally planned,at least I can live a little.Those trips will be smaller and contained to those to the coast on hard roads not the rich red of the outback I miss so much. The people who made life hard at work a while back Ive risen above,even when Hubby(who appears to like them) takes a crack for me not acknowledging them(I didnt see them and thats the truth) while out grocery shopping last weekend.. Im learning to take each day at a time,even when I fall a bit harder than usual,I can claw my way back up.
The birds singing in the morning or late afternoon are a joy,the color of new flowers brilliant,it will still hurt to be the silent worker,ignored by staff ,eg.lock down practice, I wasn't informed of procedure despite my position highly likely to allow first contact,the comment thown at me that "Im still alive"? that wasnt funny.Not informed of changes,  not good especially working often alone.So now when I see students smoking, using their phones or even collecting their frowned on, hot chips from the back car park at lunch time, unseen by staff,I dont see them,as our last PD said,if you dont do anything or get involved you wont accept liability. If Im not part of the team well they can manage it.It will still hurt when I say "NO" Hubby will ignore me,when he asks for ideas  and pulls them to pieces cause I "wont back them up"? and the stuff goes on.
I know Ill fall a again,that Ill cry into the silent world I try to get lost in,but know I refuse to give in,voicing it here harms nothing,it wont affect my life but will allow a little of the pain to drift away so now I pick my way up,bit at a time,a little more bitter perhaps but also a little more stronger.
All nice things come to those who wait,the Fiery Bottle brush a shy flower has finally doe so at least 8 years after I planted it.hoping it will be like that with my life

Summers nearly here

The spring flowers are fading,the peach tree has greened up and has baby peaches,if you smell deep enough you can nearly taste them,the birds are growing so fast they are now pests to Mum and Dad,flying after them and screeching for attention and food.
Im almost done with last essay,its on Goya with Delacroix to compare,I loved writing it but at 2500 words Im getting lost halfway through as I try to edit and make it more acceptable. Later this arvo Ill try again,its not due for a week but i have to study for that tst and also do something towrds the Black Board on Curtin,they are trialing a new format called OB3,can remember the full name at moment. Im looking forward to putting books away to get ready for next unit,the tutor is suggesting Drawing B as A isnt available next Sp,think that's odd as i would have thought the unit run in conjunction,waiting to hear back,she did also suggest taking this next period off too,I could but if something happened in the future i may put graduation at risk as I have to complete in 7 years.This is a print of a Friends work I bid on successfully at a fund raiser,I thought Id posted it before but with the change in the Blogging set up I think its stayed on my page and no one else to see it.

This is making me ache to get pencils out,maybe this afternoon when Ive gotten a bit done to essay! Should revisit this one..

Work is getting a bit harder with assistant failing turn up more than actually be there to work,Im teetering on the edge of anxiety,depression,some days I feel so down that I dont know if I can go on,my children keep me up,but on days when I unintentionally speak harshly or in a way that I fear Ive alienate them,that too isnt enough to save the day so to speak.I wish a big hole could open up and suck me into it. I speak of it on here cause theres no other place to do so.
Ive been in this job for nearly 9 years,I have the opportunity to try to another that is more in line with my study yet I have to forego it, under threat from Hubby,he cannot work on a plan for more than year or two before changing direction to financial  and personal risk. I doubt Id get it but it would be a good step into getting experince in a field I want to follow. It would be hard for a while,Id have to live down there (4 hours away) and hed have to do a bit more like make kids lunches (youngest is nearly 15),w could spend turn about weekends,its sounds a bit more exciting than mowing lawns and picking up students rubbish and being snubbed by teaching staff .
 At odd times during the day and night ,dark thoughts invade the soul,it becomes an objective exercise to stay afloat.Never have I criticized those who do leave this world by their own hand,its sad that it gets so bad that they feel there is nothing left at all,that life is no longer in their possession.
,

End of Holidays

Well for everyone else,taking the last three didnt happen for me,no chance of sleep in now til next school holidays at Christmas,the person who was supposed to be my assistant at school didnt turn up for over half the days so I didnt want to risk losing plants etc so I worked through only taking my RDO yesterday,no sleep in though Hubby leaving at 4.30 and then son texting me at 5am to drop his fav pen down to work on MY way to work..yes I know should have turned phone off,Ill get my own back next time.

Was going to go into work today just to mow the Kindy lawns cause the EAs will be in there Monday washing the toys etc and I wont get a chance to do them before students rock up Tuesday.Oh I wanted to do the Front lawn near where I planted 26 carpet roses so the boss was happy,BUT I ve decided ill go check the grounds this arvo,make sure the near dead seedlings are still ok(a mini heat wave on Tuesday) and go in early early Monday,20mins for front lawn and 45 for Kindy the Ill be up to date plus I have to leave at 2.30pm to run baby son(taller then me but hes still my baby) into Town for Dentist. So If I can get there at 6am,or earlier (as if) I will only owe half an hour which I can do next day.
Ive been quiet these last few weeks i think its been that long,it feels like it,a horrid holiday period coupled with trying to get head space for essay which Im nearly done,relatively easy but so many disruptions on top of chronic fatigue. Ive gotten into staying quiet and no mojo for anything not even knitting.. I did get camera out on Tuesday though,a number of baby birds at school yay have kept me occupied.

 Hes up there high as, baby Butcher bird,they had two but something got the other one,I went to see what the fracus was about but it was all over by the time I got there

And Mums coming!!

All fluffed up!!Look at his short tail!! The babies are a fudgy brown and cream and they colour up as they mature.This ones still at the cute stage

And Baby Honeysuckles
in the garden the Fiery Bottle Brush has opened up,this is its third year,mine at home is loaded with bud for its first time,they are very shy flowerers apparently